Worn

So recently I've realized even more how "blogging" is always about a journey. The journey of organizing your home, becoming a mom, being a wife, decorating on a budget....there's so many reasons to write and share your journey. So whats mine? I'm not quite sure yet....I did just recently get married, (and yes I promise to write about that awesome day once I have some pictures to share) I did recently get a puppy, (again, expect to see the little man soon) and I've been working on going through just about everything I own to get my "life" organized.
Well I think I may just do a little bit of everything. I've always been a bit ADD anyway!


You want to know what I've been lately?

 WORN

 I've talked a little bit about my anxiety and panic attacks. Well, they are still very present in my life. So I made the choice to start counseling for it. I'm glad I started after getting married and I'm so very thankful that I have a husband that walks through each moment with me; even the very bad days. He just seems to know how to bring joy to life. I have felt blessed by who God set me up with. HE knew that I needed to spend my life with someone that will point me towards God in every moment. Someone that will talk through my fears and let me be emotional when I really need to let it out. At one point I caught myself apologizing to Sean. I told him how sorry I was that he married someone that is so broken right from the get-go. He then took my tear-drenched face in his hands and said "I wouldn't want it any other way". I said "even if I have a panic attack every day for the rest of my life?", he said "of course. I'm in this with you. I'm not going to leave you alone in this even if it means everyday for the rest of our lives". 

                 Are you starting to see why I've felt so blessed? I'm beginning to understand love at a much deeper level....

As to what I mean by feeling worn... its exhausting to battle a mental issue all day everyday. You can easily slip in and out of depression and you can very quickly become numb to everything else. Another thing I'm grateful to have my husband in my life is because he knows me well. He knows from the way I even say hello if I'm having a rough day or not. He calls me out when I'm slipping into depression. If I didn't have that I'm sure there would be many days that I would just not get out of bed....

I have hit that point where everyday I'm completely honest with God about where I'm at. I can't count the amount of times I've said "Daddy, I'm worn. I can't do today without you. I desperately need you."

I have a feeling though that that's exactly where He wants me right now.... If me being worn out by the struggle is what is finally getting me to admit I can't do this in my own strength at all, then so be it. I look forward to what God might bring out of this. It seems like it's been so dark for me, but that just means that with God on my side, the light at the end will be all the more brighter.

I'll leave you with the chorus from a new Tenth Avenue North song that put to words how I've been feeling for the last five months...

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn