The Appointment

6:00 am.... The alarm starts buzzing. I've been laying here wide awake for a few moments. I have a feeling God wakes me up these days.... I've never been a morning person. I was always one to groan and push snooze fifteen times until the last possible moment; Get dressed, throw my hair up and run out the door for work. But not lately.

No, lately my eyes shoot open as if I was never asleep in the first place. I have an appointment. An appointment that I can't be late for...

The last thing I wrote about was my anxiety. Oh man, my anxiety. A couple days after I posted that, it got the best of me. Anxiety overcame me, and I was devastated. I did feel discouraged. I did believe the lies Satan was whispering in my ear....
                        "You'll never have a day without fear."
              "He won't come through for you"
                                                     "Grace doesn't cover you, it's not that easy"
                                                                                "Do you REALLY know the truth about God?"
                                "You can't get past this, it's going to be hard for you for the rest of your life"

Here's the thing, I may not be torn down by my other struggles. But Satan knows that the one area in my life... the one thing that will make me question everything, is fear. And so fear he gives me. Because he wants me to be weak, insecure, and timid. And Fear did just that too; it made me question everything I've known. Flipping through the Bible gave me no peace. I had a filter of fear and timidity over my eyes. I had to stop everything I was trying to process and be still. Be quiet. Crying to God, asking Him for peace, (and of course not receiving it instantly like we all wish would happen) he whispered "lets work through this". And so we are... slowly. Sometimes painfully slow. But still yet moving forward. I have been reading all different books, listening to worship music (sometimes even having it playing while I'm sleeping) to fill my mind with truth about God. What have I been learning so far? God has shown me that I still don't trust Him fully... and so since I have not learned to trust him, I need to re-learn what his character is. Who he is. Who I am in HIM. He says "you know my word, but do you KNOW my word? and do you KNOW me?" and to that I answer... I guess not Lord. Because if I really knew the Lord, I'd be free from fear. Because perfect love casts out all fear! and the Lord does not give me a spirit of FEAR but of POWER, LOVE, and a STRONG MIND! God says "you tried to convince yourself before that you trusted me until you forgot to even pursue me wholeheartedly...now we're going to go the long way around so you CAN'T go back."
Well let me tell you, the long way around is not fun. it's not glamorous in any way. it's humbling on a whole new level. it's needed.

...So what's that appointment that I have? I have an appointment with the King...  That appointment gives me strength and endurance. In all my life I have not been able to say that I was consistent in my time with God. Now I can. And with no pride in that statement at all. Because I am nothing without it. I can't make it through a day without talking with my God. Without reading His Word. Without being in his presence. I find myself searching for truth with everything that I am. I want to soak in as much of him as I can... I want to trust him with everything.
I know through HIM, I can be FEARLESS. When he says I'm ready, He'll give me the ability to overcome....I just know it.