Sieze the Moment...

This whole week we are supposed to be having unseasonably warm weather! Sometimes I feel as if the Lord just really likes to remind us that HE is the one that controls this earth and especially the way the weather goes! I love that all of the news stations were panicking in the fall saying that this winter would be the worst we'll see and that we better stock up on necessities in case of being trapped in our homes for a few days....well God had decided otherwise now didn't he? Instead of a horrible winter, we had one of the mildest winters in years! Fingers crossed for next year!( I love the snow) So now that God is blessing us with perfect weather a bit early this year, I decided to take advantage of it! I know I signed up for a gym membership but I just can't resist long walks along the river and frequent trips to the nearby forest preserves! So yesterday I decided to rush home from work and take Brayden (my 10-12 yr old Soft Wheaten Terrier) to the river path. We parked at the new greenhouse entrance and made our way down the path about a mile or so and turned back to find a good spot to stop and read for a while before the sun went down.
If you're wondering, I'm still in the process of reading Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere. I recommend this book to any lady! It's time us women wake up and be the lioness' God intended us to be!!
Anyways, We found the perfect spot! and despite being distracted by people watching on occasion I did read a good portion of my book :)

 You gotta admit, it's a pretty amazing spot to live so close to! And I had a good buddy too! Some people may call me crazy but Brayden is by far one of the best pets I've ever had, he's my little buddy! I love when I can take him with me places. I know that he won't be around anymore a few years from now...so I want to enjoy and spoil him all I can before the day I have to say goodbye. In fact, I'm taking him with me to go fishing this afternoon! One of his favorite things!!

This May Be A Long One...

       It's time to talk about it. Time to sort through what's been going on for a while now.I have had a handful of moments where this has come up in conversation. Conversations that open my eyes as to why this is a struggle for me. Not to just shake me. Not to just push me towards trusting God. But maybe to help someone. Even if it's just one person.
       It started in the spring of 2009. Being a Christian for 10 years at that point, I never thought that my relationship with God could be shaken so much. In fact, I was shaking. Unable to move. Chest heavy. trembling with fear. Fear of what you ask? Everything and nothing all at the same time.
                                                 So started the uncontrollable anxiety attacks....
Everyday I would wake up with an anxiety attack. It would happen multiple times a day at all different levels of severity. I remember my prayers through this season. Deeper, stronger, more intense prayers than I thought I was even capable of. I couldn't watch the news anymore because I would just cry. So much negativity and so little hope for a brighter future. This seemed to be something that triggered the anxiety attacks. Fear of the unknown. My heart would ache because I felt as if there were so many people in turmoil that may not ever have a chance to know God like I did. I know what most people think. When they hear of someone feeling that way towards others all over the world they say, "they must be called to missions!". Well that's the thing. I don't feel that calling. I feel the calling to reach out on behalf of those people. In Prayer.  This was a season to where my prayer life took off like a wildfire. But there was still these extreme anxiety attacks. So extreme that I had lost my appetite and would on occasion throw up because of the stress on my body. I lost a lot of weight and lost confidence in my prayers. I was losing confidence in my faith. My parents considered and discussed with me the option of professional help a handful of times. But each time I said that I'd be ok. Even when I really saw no end in sight to this. I believe that God is our healer and that he would show me what to do with this. I kept feeling him tell me "this is for a reason, just trust me."
               I could go on about the details of this season as there are so many. So many moments of frustration and despair. I'll tell you (and I laugh at it now) I did have a moment of sitting in my car during a storm (in a parking lot, not driving) screaming at God. I was so angry and fed up with everything that was going on with me. I was mad that I wasn't getting answers. I was mad that He hadn't "fixed" me yet. Little did I know that this would be an ongoing issue.
 One day in the fall of 2010 I stopped at Starbucks to catch up with an old student of mine. We sat outside talking about life and where she was heading. I excused myself for a minute to run inside and grab a warm drink when an employee started talking with me. I vaguely knew who he was through other friends and knew he had an amazing relationship with God. He told me he didn't mean to scare me but that as he was cleaning around the tables outside where I was sitting, he had been praying for me. He said that he couldn't stop looking at me because of a vision the Lord gave him of me. (I had earlier noticed him awkwardly staring at me outside and tried to ignore him) He proceeded to go into great detail of what he saw and I stood there bewildered at the story. I won't go into detail of what he said because it's something that is very dear to me. Something that's between God and I. But at the end he said to me that one of the greatest things God wants me to understand is that my prayers are heard, that my prayers were very precious to Him. After over a year of questioning if God was even listening to me... I never told anyone that I felt like I wasn't being heard. That moment wrecked me (and here I am tearing up again at the memory of that moment). After I received my coffee, I thanked the man with a big smile and went I went back outside to finish my conversation with the student. I held it all in as if nothing had just happened but inside I was questioning what just happened. By the time I got in my car to leave I couldn't hold it in any longer. The tears began to stream down my face and all I could whisper was "thank you Daddy". I drove to youth group and proceeded to act as if nothing was wrong (like I had done since this whole thing began). This wasn't something I was ready to share yet. No, this was my moment with my God.
 So here I am three and a half years later. My prayer life could still use some work (as every area of my life haha). And yes, I do still have anxiety attacks. Not near as severe as before, but, still there. Am I discouraged? NO! not at all! Want to know why? Because I finally chose to open my eyes. I needed to see that there is so much uncertainty in this world. I needed to see that God gave me a tender heart for a reason. I need to let my heart break for others and embrace the uncomfortable feeling that it gives me. But most importantly, I needed to see how important I am to God. Not because of what I do or how good I can be, but because I am his. I needed to learn to trust God with the unknown. I still need to do that. I still need to see that. I still have so much more to go. I may have anxiety until the day I die. But I'm ok with that because it not only brings me closer to God, but it PUSHES me closer to him.
As much as we talk about sharing your issues and struggles with others as to not "live life alone" I feel as if we sometimes overlook the beauty in relying on God alone for emotional support. I don't want you to think that I didn't tell anyone about what I was going through, because I did. Only a handful of people knew. But I knew they couldn't help me, I just wanted their prayers.Now, there's this quote that I've seen floating around the internet. It says something along the lines of "Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?" Imagine how we could conquer things if we left our emotional healing to God. I know I plan on continuing to trust God with my emotional trials. Maybe try it next time, trust God with your emotions before consulting your peanut gallery. On my last note, I want to show you the scripture I keep at my desk as a reminder. Surround yourself with Scriptures, never lose sight of the words God gives us.

To Catch Up a Bit...

Well these last two weeks have been quite interesting! Between House sitting in the next town over, being very sick, and getting into a car accident, I'm exhausted. Oh and driving to Gurnee in a snowstorm! I went out to dinner with some amazing friends last night that I rarely get to see and they invited me to a late movie. I had to decline sadly, and I explained to them that I am just so tired. Which if you know me at all, it's a big deal for me to turn down quality time with great friends.

So to back track - I have had a wonderful sinus thing going on for the last two weeks. Thankfully I can see the end in sight! Although I'm pretty sure I've gone through 6 boxes of Puffs Plus.

I have been living out of a suitcase for the last two weeks between visiting Sean, house sitting in Caledonia, and then visiting Sean again. Needless to say I am ecstatic to be in my own bed again. Aside from the MOUNTAIN of clothes pouring out of my closet at this moment. I guess I know what's on my "to-do" list tonight when I get home from work.

And I'm sure you're wondering about my car accident. Well for starters, it wasn't my fault at all. I was on my way back to work from letting the dog out where I was house sitting. I was sitting at a stop light and looked in my rear view mirror and saw a truck coming towards me at full speed. I had no place to go, so I turned my tires to prevent me from getting sandwiched between the truck and the Volvo in front of me. Then the truck hit me at 45 MPH

Yup. There's my old Camry. It's toast. The Cop said I was very smart to turn my tires, otherwise I would have been injured far more than I was. and thank the Lord there is a small curb splitting the different directions of traffic. If it weren't for that curb I would have been pushed into oncoming traffic and most likely hit again. I had the wonderful experience of riding in an ambulance strapped to a back board to be cautionary in case I had a spinal injury. The tape keeping my forehead down was definitely my favorite. Especially when they ripped it off quickly. All in all without boring you with the details of my hospital visit - I have a severe neck sprain and strain. and yes a week later and I'm still very uncomfortable. But I am very thankful to God for keeping me safe!

The day of the accident Sean insisted on coming out to Rockford to take care of me. I'm very grateful that he did and that he took the next day off of work because that night I barely slept at all and the next day I couldn't move much at all. And of course due to lack of sleep I was emotional. Sean put up with me haha. He took care of everything for me, including scolding me several times for trying to get up to cook food. This is why I think he's very special. He looks past my stubborn comments of "I'm fine" and "I can handle it" when I know it's the opposite, and he takes care of my needs. In every relationship I've been in, the guy has always just said "OK" and left me alone. Not seeing past my stubborn side and seeing the real need. God knows very well that I am stubborn. He knows that I try not to be. He also knows that I need someone that sees past that. And for that, I am very thankful.

On the financial side of things. I was stressing out about the accident. I don't have health care. I have minimal insurance. I was worried that since I still hit the car in front of me that somehow they would put some blame on me. It's happened to people I know. But I always tend to forget just how much the Lord loves to take care of his kids. I was not only blessed with more money than what my car was worth (it was a 94 Camry with a LOT of miles on it - not worth a whole lot) but the insurance company is paying for everything including reimbursing me for the days of work that I missed. I was given a beautiful 2012 Ford focus to drive around the last few days and I've already found a new car and am in the process of purchasing it. I will end up with a few hundred dollars left over from just the money from the car to put into savings. In other words, I am ending up being ahead of where I was. I'm sorry Daddy that I doubted you and that I worried about how you would provide for me!
Oh and I've been enjoying the rental car! Thanks to Enterprise for giving me one of the best cars on their lot! because of them I was able to head out to Gurnee to attend a wedding with Sean :)

We didn't stay for too long into the reception but Sean is the best date for weddings! We always have a wonderful time! and Congrats to the Bride and Groom!!