Future?

Before I start my ramblings... Here's a little Photoshop project that I did to educate myself on the program I need to be better at for work. I'm trying really hard to broaden my skills and be able to use this program to my advantage in the long run. The only way I can do that is with practice!  I learned how to use many tools I didn't even know existed - so I guess mission accomplished! and I walk away with some nice photo's of Memphis!

Now time for me to ramble on....
         So in the midst of my counseling, I was told I need to plan for the future. Plan to live. When I was asked "Where do you see yourself in five years" I had a blank stare on my face. Completely dumbfounded I responded "I have no idea".
I don't dwell on it. I've been so focused on my mountain; on overcoming my panic attacks; on facing fears. I have been living one day at a time for such a long time now that I've stopped looking forward to things. I've stopped dreaming. And that, my friends, is a very dangerous place to be...

So last week I started looking at all of the different kennels in my area. I (filled with anxiety) click through website after website, did new searches, and looked at employment options. That was my first step of even thinking of making steps into my future. The mind games have been endless since then. "You can't even decide what to do with your life, what makes you think you can succeed at switching jobs" "you won't be able to make it financially if you try to switch jobs now" "you will fail."
Insecurity and self-doubt has been running rampant through the streets of my mind since I even attempted to look ahead to any form of future that I may have. I may be taking a few steps back here, but I decided to start a little slower at dreaming of a future. I'm still battling trusting God with my future. So if I can't imagine a future through the eyes of my Creator, (who can push me to see far beyond my own abilities) how can I even imagine a good future through my own sight?
Lets take baby steps here (So thankful that God is patient with my learning process). Lets start with one area of my life and dream of what the future may look like for that. I chose my marriage. Even that was hard. But last night Sean and I talked through a list of questions that I had found online. The questions were to help get the ball rolling with discussing goals you had for your marriage, where you're at now, and what you see that you need to work on. We only got through half, but I feel like I was able to be hopeful and look forward to something in the future for the first time in who knows how long. Needless to say, we have a lot to work on.
But instead of the daunting "5 year plan" I decided to focus on one thing first. My new family. There has been so much change in the last 6 months and I feel like I've barely caught my breath. Where will we be in 5 years? Who the heck knows! Truth is, only God knows where he will have us in five years. But as far as thinking/dreaming that far into the future, I'll get there at some point. I'll be able to dream for a great future at some point (I have a feeling it will be soon. Thank the Lord for steps forward in the battle with Fear).

  For now, I want to plant seeds now that will produce great fruit in my marriage later. I can say in 5 years, I want to have a strong relationship with my husband. So now I want to work on getting to know my husband better and REALLY enjoying the time we have with each other before we have kids of our own.

With that, I want to say to my Husband:

"Darling, lets be adventurers"